era

i'm starting to wonder if i am just an inherently selfish person.
also, why can't i just use the same words as everyone else and call it good? why do i have to complicate everything... it's just that i feel common terms are so laden with assumptions that i don't necessarily share. but i don't know what words are the right ones.

what does romantic mean?
and is there a difference between selfish and self-centered?

so… i am hanging out with my boyfriend, my sorta boyfriend, his sorta girlfriend, her boyfriend, and our friend mia…
hehe life is fun.

I cry every single time I watch Finding Nemo.

I'm such a big baby.

i feel pathetic, pointless, and unemployable.

i'm watching the gilmore girls episode where rory has her first day at yale. it makes me cry every time!

I am looking into getting a business degree. I want to return to school as soon as I can get out of my current living situation and support myself. The soonest I can hope for is next fall, but with even my immediate future in doubt, it's hard to plan ahead. I have to start applying RIGHT NOW for financial aid and grants, which means I have to choose and apply to a University.
Anyway, so I am looking at local Universities and their business school curriculums. I go to Oregon State University college of business web page and what do i see? A big picture of a white man in a tie.... "skies the limit." We all know that is the ideal business student right there.
*sigh*

i really believe that honesty is the key to a better world.

what reasons are there to lie? are the reasons all, in actuality, entirely self-serving? people will claim that they lie to save someone's feelings from getting hurt. but are they really lying to avoid an uncomfortable situation for themselves? and if we were raised to be truthful, we would know how to handle brutal honesty.

i also believe that honesty is the key to knowledge, and knowledge is the only way to overcome the patriarchy. knowledge is what a governing power tries to prevent the less privileged from acquiring, because knowledge is power! we MUST encourage education, and self-education, because all the patriarchy feeds us are lies, lies, lies.

because i believe these things about honesty, every time i lie i feel that i am supporting the patriarchy. but at the same time, i work in a retail job under two big corporate overlords. there is a certain degree of "polite" lying that is expected of me. when someone asks how i am, i'm not supposed to say, "shitty." when someone makes a stupid joke, i am supposed to laugh "politely." and when someone makes me feel uncomfortable, i can't scream at the top of my lungs, "get the FUCK out of my bubble!"

shouldn't "polite" = "respectful"? well, it doesn't. says merriam-webster, polite is: "showing or characterized by correct social usage" and "marked by an appearance of consideration, tact, deference, or courtesy"
that is exactly my problem... being polite literally means to pretend. well, i call bullshit. i agree there should be social rules for interacting with people in general... but must those rules require dishonesty? i also call bullshit on "The Golden Rule" of "treat others how you wish to be treated." not everyone is the same, and the expectation that others wish to be treated how YOU want to be treated is self-centeredness itself. how about treating people how THEY wish to be treated?

so the problem is, despite my convictions, i was raised and live in a world filled with polite dishonesty. i am scared of the immediate consequences of brutal honesty. in my personal relationships i strive for total honesty, but if i am still spending my days fitting into the patriarchy, have i failed?